"Sparky the Sun Devil! You get in here right this instant!"
Uh oh. They're using my full name. This is not good. It's never good. I'm in trouble.
Let's see. What can this be about?
It's not about what I'm wearing. I look good. Sure, some adults may not "get it", but all the kids want to look like me. I'm a trendsetter.
It can't be about where I hang out. Sure, some parts may be a little run down and some losers may get in there from time to time, but generally it's a fun place with plenty of good people.
Um...oh, I know. Ugh.
It's about that 2011 season.
"We just got a call from the fans. Is there anything you want to tell us?"
The fans? Yikes. Yeah, they're going to be pretty ticked off at me.
So...I may have told them that 2011 was going to be special. And really, why shouldn't I have?
C'mon, look at the situation.
That guy Troy that everyone thought would be so great and be my biggest threat was grounded and couldn't come out to play after November.
I had some tough tests, sure, but c'mon, I could handle those. Plus, most of the games ahead of me are guys I'm totally better than. I mean, come on, look what those fools did last year. The Cougar kid is always a gimme, Cal beating me last year was a fluke and the Bruin is a one-trick bear. I'm better than all of them.
And my nemesis, Wilbur? Man, he like totally sucks and he had to come to my house. I owned him.
So I may have been cocky and talked a good game.
It was a good decision at the time.
"Sit there and think about what you have done."
It all started out so good.
After winning the tuneup to start the season, I busted out the new threads and took center stage, winning that overtime thriller against those Mizzou.
Sure, I had the slip up in Illinois, but how awesome was it when I beat USC?! By boy Tez doing that sweet pointing taunt? Straight out of WWE, man! Scared Matty right out of his cleats.
Then my boys and I got addicted to ripping the rock for the other teams. We got so good at it they were basically handing it us. Did you see what happened in Utah? One after the other! They were scared.
Well, everyone knew what would happen in Oregon. Those guys are in another league, so you can't blame me there. But look what I did to Colorado!
Things were good then. Honest, I didn't mean it to end like it did.
Who could have seen it coming?
"Sparky, we are not mad. We are just very disappointed."
Ouch. There it is. The dagger.
That hurts the most. By far.
But I deserve it.
I guess to be angry you'd have to be genuinely hurt and at least somewhat surprised by what happened. But by now you're probably used to it.
I don't know why it happened like it did. I know I have the ability to be great.
After Colorado, I thought no one could stop me. Look at what was ahead of me. I guess I just thought I could show up an win.
Right after the first loss, I thought "OK, no big deal, I'm still good. I've got this."
Then the second one happened, which sucked big time, but there was no way it could keep going, right?
But then it spiraled out of control. We all seemed to just go through the motions. Well, other than GRob and Cam--those guys were legit. We put up enough points, but no matter what we did, they kept scoring on us. Nothing seemed to work. It sucked.
I guess you knew it was coming. As hard as I try, as much as I give you reasons to believe, I always let you down. I probably knew it too, it just didn't want to admit it.
And The fans. I really let them down. They genuinely bought into what I was saying. I made them think this would be the year for me to finally make good on all of my promises. And how do I repay them?
ARGH!
I can't go on like this. I don't want to go on like this, letting you down, letting the fans down, letting myself down.
I need help. But I think I have a plan.
"You're grounded until you write down your solution 500 times."
I will hire Kevin Sumlin as my next head coach.
I will hire Kevin Sumlin as my next head coach.
I will hire Kevin Sumlin as my next head coach.
I will hire Kevin Sumlin as my next head coach.
Only 496 to go.