clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

John Skelton As A Video Game Weapon Is Terrible, But Will Defeat You

For all the middle-aged football fan men out there like me, you spent your youth not only as a football player or fan, but also as a gamer -- as in video games. As a feature for SB Nation, and for something a little lighter as the NFL regular season fast approaches, Jon Bois takes a look at each NFL quarterback and compares them to video game weapons. Some are very effective. Others are not.

What about John Skelton, who many believe is the front-runner to be the starting QB for the Arizona Cardinals? Well, he isn't even a real weapon. He is a bunch of booby traps. But he will win.

Bois recalls the old PC game Home Alone, named after the Macauley Culkin movie series. Skelton would be the traps.

The Arizona Cardinals are quite a resourceful little eight-year-old. In 2012, they're just going to kind of throw everything they have at the rest of the NFL -- including John Skelton, who is arguably the worst starting quarterback in the league. I say "all the traps," but Skelton is probably less "paint can trap" and more "implausibly elaborate Saran-wrap-and-feathers trap."

I never once beat this game when I was a kid. I was caught every time, and the game made no mention of any beshoveled neighbor to save you, leaving the implication that Harry and Marv probably just murdered Kevin. And just like that, a story they printed coloring books about became terribly macabre. Like, Arizona Cardinals macabre.

Bless this highly nutritious microwave quarterback and the people who sold it on sale.

(P.S. Kevin Kolb is the Klobb for every possible reason.)

It's pretty bad to be called the worst starter in the league. But then again, if he beats you, it's not all that bad. He just isn't very threatening.

Did you say you wanted to see the game? Here you go!

Get more Cardinals coverage at Revenge of the Birds.

For the latest AZ sports, follow us on Twitter @SBNArizona and "Like" us on Facebook.