Some men are meant for great things, while others just get told what to do by their editor and perform a task accordingly. I'm the latter.
When Grand Poobah Seth Pollack suggested that someone from SBN AZ do a weekly NFL Power Rankings column, my immediate thought was why the hell would I do that? But then, after I thought of the idea of Justin Burning bringing his Max Hall propaganda into the rankings, I decided that I had to do this. For you, the reader.
(1) Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0) - As much as this pains me to do, this team has rolled out Dennis Dixon and ol' Chuck Batch and is still undefeated. Once that Roethlisberger fellow gets back, this team will be ever more dominant.
(2) New Orleans Saints (2-1) - Hard to knock a team too far down for losing a game it was a chip shot field goal from winning. What have you done for me lately, Garrett Hartley?
(3) Indianapolis Colts (2-1) - Sure, they lost in Week 1 to the Texans, but that's looking more and more like a simple blip on the radar to another 12+ win season.
(4) New York Jets (2-1) - I'm really not fond of these guys, so I'd love to rank them lower, but how many teams have two more impressive wins than against New England and at Miami?
(5) Green Bay Packers (2-1) - Apparently nobody warned rookie punter Tim Masthay that you shouldn't kick low line drives towards Devin Hester. Masthay did it twice and though he made a tackle on the first attempt, the second probably cost his team the game.
(6) New England Patriots (2-1) - Days later, I'm still trying to figure out how this team surrendered 30 points to Ryan Fitzpatrick and Buffalo. Maybe they were bored?
(7) Chicago Bears (3-0) - I'd say this is the last time Chicago will be this high in the rankings, but their next five are against the Giants, Panthers, Seahawks, Redskins, and Bills. Jay Cutler will probably be able to stay out of his own way enough to win four of those.
(8) Atlanta Falcons (2-1) - Despite a win over the Saints, I don't think these guys are really for real. Maybe it's because I don't respect Matt Ryan.
(9) Baltimore Ravens (2-1) - Not exactly an impressive win over the Browns, but Joe Flacco finally had a good game after two stinkers.
(10) Houston Texans (2-1) - You'd think they'd be able to get up for a home date with the Cowboys with a chance to open up 3-0 for the first time in franchise history on the line. But since they're the Texans, they are required to disappoint.
(11) Miami Dolphins (2-1) - Tough loss to the Jets, but Chad Henne has become quite the stud. Next three games are against New England, Green Bay, and Pittsburgh. Ouch.
(12) Kansas City Chiefs (3-0) - I have to give some respect to the team that just sent the 49ers into a complete and utter tailspin. That said, games with Indianapolis and Houston will quickly test the Chiefs mettle.
(13) Philadelphia Eagles (2-1) - Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick. Also, Vick. And Vick.
(14) Tennessee Titans (2-1) - Nice bounce back win on the road against the Giants. Certainly no shame in being shut down by the Steelers.
(15) Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) - It hasn't been pretty, but they're 2-1. People have realized that Carson Palmer sucks now, right?
(16) San Diego Chargers (1-2) - The first of the 1-2 teams basically because they've allowed special teams to defeat them twice. Look Chargers, if you lose to the Cardinals, I'll move you up five spots. Deal?
(17) Dallas Cowboys (1-2) - I guess here is as good a spot as any. Win over Houston is nice, but they're going to need to find a running game at some point this season.
(18) Seattle Seahawks (2-1) - I'll rank them above the Cardinals because they have a win over San Diego and above the Vikings because nobody should be patted on the back for beating Detroit.
(19) Minnesota Vikings (1-2) - Lean on Adrian Peterson, win the game. Lean on Brett Favre, have a bundle of turnovers. It really is that easy.
(20) Arizona Cardinals (2-1) - I guess all you can say is that they've won two of three. Some might take that Week 1 road win over the Rams for granted, but I bet the Redskins wouldn't at this point.
(21) Washington Redskins (1-2) - Why exactly did the Redskins think they were good enough to just waltz through 60 minutes in St. Louis? Is this a team that should be taking anyone for granted?
(22) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1) - Meet the worst 2-1 team in football. Wins over the Browns and Panthers were better than losing, but there are not a whole lot more wins on the schedule.
(23) New York Giants (1-2) - Both Indianapolis and Tennessee absolutely laid waste to this team and they came unraveled into the latter contest. Antrel Rolle played for the Cardinals for five years and I can't remember him ever saying anything. All of a sudden he's mouthing off? Something is wrong there.
(24) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) - I guess I'll put them above Denver due to the fact that they beat the Broncos. This might be the most boring team in professional football. They're not even comically bad.
(25) Denver Broncos (1-2) - I thank them for beating Seattle in Week 2. Besides that? There's a cool horse on their helmet.
(26) St. Louis Rams (1-2) - They won a game against a decent team. All of a sudden I think they could beat Seattle in St. Louis this week. Don't think the Seahawks will take them lightly.
(27) Oakland Raiders (1-2) - This team should be 2-1 and all Cardinals fans were the beneficiary of their misfortune. Thanks, Sebastian!
(28) San Francisco 49ers (0-3) - Road game with Atlanta this week, followed by a home date with Philly, means the Niners could be starring 0-5 in the face. This news delights me.
(29) Detroit Lions (0-3) - Detroit was competitive against both Chicago and Philly and kept shooting themselves in the foot against Minnesota. Eventually they'll string together some wins.
(30) Cleveland Browns (0-3) - For some reason, I have a weird affection for this team. I guess I really like Josh Cribbs. They definitely do suck, though.
(31) Buffalo Bills (0-3) - Trent Edwards has been released and I feel like Adrian Wilson owes him a fruit basket for ending his career.
(32) Carolina Panthers (0-3) - There hasn't been one point in three games where I've looked at Carolina playing and said, "Man, they are awful scrappy." Playing at New Orleans this week should help, I'm sure.