clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Beanie Wells’ ‘Bruised Knee’ Turns Out To Be Horrifyingly Worse

Arizona Cardinals running back Chris "Beanie" Wells had been sidelined for Games 1 and 2 of the 2010 NFL regular season, but appears ready to play on Sunday against the Oakland Raiders.

Previous word out of the Cardinals camp was that Wells had been diagnosed with a "bruised knee." However, reports today have confirmed his injury to be horribly, gut-wrenchingly, nauseously worse. Like, seriously, once you find out, it's gonna make you immediately stop what you're doing, step outside, and wretch all the half-digested contents of your stomach out into the bushes and then dry heave for ten minutes or so until your gut, in fiery agony, pleads for a quick end to its unimaginable suffering.

"Yeah, it was pretty bad," Wells said about his knee. "We decided to call it a ‘bone bruise' so you all wouldn't Google it and get all grossed out and shit."

Wells was not exaggerating. Team medical doctors characterized his knee as "jacked the hell up beyond anything God could have imagined in his wildest acid-driven nightmares."

"Oh holy Jesus, there were tendons everywhere and blood and all sorts of sloppy mess I've never seen before," Dr. Bob Francis said. "I'm a damn surgeon and I had the willies. When, in the quietest moments of my day, I stop and think about what I saw in that operating room, I shudder and pray for the Lord to explain that abomination to me."

Dr. Francis stopped and bent over, resting his hands on his knees, and took a handful of deep, calming breaths.

He continued in an unsteady voice, "Please, Lord, just tell me why you'd do that to someone. Chris seems like such a nice boy. It was like a damn horror film."

DISCLAIMER: This was make believe.