Last night, Kurt Warner batted lead-off for acoustic/round stage/latin/double-score night, and it didn't quite turn out as he and Anna hoped. They were dancing the super-sexy Rumba, which was a problem for Kurt and his good married Christian self. Despite Brenda giving him and Anna the seal of approval to get their Latin hip undulations on, Kurt had some problems getting his arms to behave in a properly expressive manner.
Unfortunately, this resulted in some low scores, on a night where our celebrities were judged on both their technical skill and performance. Judge Bruno wanted more raunchiness, Len was just fine with the romantic nature and Carrie loved the chemistry, but it wasn't enough as Kurt's giant frying-pan hands came back to haunt him again. Oh, I bet Kurt would have never foreseen a night when two of his greatest strengths -- giant hands and strong Christian beliefs -- would come back to bite him. Kurt and Anna ended with 34 points out of a possible 60. Yes, that's not good.
In a startling upset on Latin dance night, Team Un-buttoned/No Shirt was beat out by Team Buttoned-Up 4 to 5. More after the jump ...
Brandy - Wearing an artfully cut bedsheet over sequined hot pants should be enough to get you some good scores, and it was. 48/60
Rick Fox - In a stunning turn of events, was on Team Buttoned-Up Shirt. Also managed to grow one of the slimiest mustaches you'll see outside of Alabama in only a week, proving his talent once and for all. 39/60
Kyle - There is no way Disney approves of that hip action; be prepared for a very stern email from Mickey. 40/60
The Situation - The captain of Team Un-Buttoned Shirt may save Kurt this week. I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy, granted maybe not as smart as one would like, but nice. But a terrible dancer, just horrible. 28/60
Ms. Brady - Florence was determined to prove a 76-year-old woman could dance a sexy rumba. My eyes are sorry that she succeeded. 35/60
Jennifer Grey - This is how you dance, kids. Pulling down the first perfect scores of the season, Jennifer looks like the one who will be holding the disco ball trophy, unless one of her myriad of medical issues pop up. This week, we learned she has a pinched nerve in her foot. This is after we found out she has plates and screws in her neck because of cancer. Seriously, and she's showing everybody how it's done. 56/60
Briston Palin - Finally, after two weeks of virtuous outfits, Bristol tarted it up, while Mommy and Daddy heartily applauded her ripping her partner Mark's shirt off. I love those family values, really, I do. 32/60
Audrina - I, for one, am pleasantly surprised that little Miss Frozen Face has a personality and, as a bonus, a great neck tattoo. Nice job, Audrina, on your spicy, icy tango. You said you can't believe how your life has changed in just a couple years, since you were just a receptionist and now you're on Dancing With The Stars. America really is totally awesome. 46/60