Soon-to-be-acquired power forward Hakim Warrick has undergone microfracture surgery on both knees, the Phoenix Suns have reported.
There was nothing at all wrong with his knees, apparently.
"Amar'e's got those super hops, like some kind of crazy-ass jumpin' robot. I figure it's gotta be the microfracture," Warrick said. "I just want to be like him. Man, I could jump all the way to the moon. DUNKIN' UP ON DA MOON, FELLAS!!!"
In the wake of Stoudemire's departure in free agency, high expectations are being placed on Warrick's shoulders by the team's anxious fan base, with many people unfairly comparing him to the five-time All-Star before sighing in woebegone disappointment at the swiftly fading glory days of the franchise.
"I know I have a lot to live up to here in Phoenix," Warrick said after deeply contemplating a game of lunar basketball. "Amar'e's the man. I don't want the team to suffer with him gone. The microfracture, combined with my upcoming retina transplant surgery, is sure to enable my body to replicate the mind-blowing dunks of Sun Tzu. Anthony Tolliver, Hakim Warrick is going to dunk on you, your babies, your babies' momma, and your grandma, too. Also, your puppy dog. I don't care how cute that little guy is. HE GETTIN' DUNKED ON! PARTICULARLY IF HE'S A MOON-BASED PUPPY!!!"
The Suns expect Hakim Warrick to miss the entirety of the 2010-2011 season, in which there will be a dearth of awesome dunks makin' posters of fools that try to step up.
Backup power forward/center Channing Frye will start in his place, gently putting home a handful of indecisive and mild-mannered dunks that probably were initially meant to be lay-ups.