Dear D-backs Front Office Guys,
I liked watching Dan Haren pitch and now you've taken that from me, you jerks. And now you want to trade Edwin Jackson, whose no-hitter was about the only positive thing of note this season.
Maybe I'll be apologizing to you in 2065 or so when Tyler Skaggs becomes a dominant ace with a .004 ERA, but for now, I'm just flummoxed that you hate your fans so much. Could you please explain?
Your response is greatly appreciated.
Hugs and kisses,
Dear Justin B.,
Your feedback is welcome and we appreciate your honesty.
To answer your question, it is our goal this season to kick every Arizona baseball fan right in the groin and suck any potential enjoyment from the drying corpse of the team, like some kind of malevolent vampire that hates baseball more than sunlight or garlic.
Our market research showed that baseball fans enjoy a handful of things about the game: (1) a winning product, (2) great pitching, and (3) home runs. We removed number one fairly early in the season, and we pride ourselves by our efficiency. Trading Dan Haren spectacularly accomplished the eradication of number two (and we feel jettisoning Jackson will help, as well). Our discussions with Justin Upton and Mark Reynolds have been super beneficial in removing number three from the equation. Both guys were quite receptive to the idea of not hitting quite so many balls out of the park. It's just less effort for everyone this way; I'm sure you understand.
Again, we appreciate your feedback and hope this has helped explain our thought process.
D-backs Front Office Guys
DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS COMPLETE MAKE-BELIEVE.