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D-backs Star Justin Upton Sent To Farm System, Chicken Called Up

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In a move Arizona Diamondbacks GM Josh Byrnes classified as "an attempt to shake things up and get players motivated," team star Justin Upton has been sent down to the farm system. A chicken has been called up to the Majors in his place.

"Francine is a real good chicken," Byrnes said. "Her eggs are dee-lish."

The D-backs are hoping the line-up change will spark the rest of the clubhouse not to suck anymore. Manager A.J. Hinch is confident that the desired effect will be achieved.

Hinch said, "While I'm not entirely sure a chicken is capable of playing the game of baseball, I'm also not entirely sure our team as it stands is capable, either. So really, there's not much to be lost here and there's plenty of hearty breakfasts to be gained."

Upton has been sent to Triple-A Tolleson -- just follow that there windy road on down by 115th avenue and Southern, just a couple miles yonder behind Miss Sotheby's Dairy. Now, Sotheby's a bit of a crazy old bat, but don't you mind her. She's just lookin' out for your best interests.

The D-backs front office hopes Upton can learn some valuable new skills that will translate to the field, including the proper way to tease milk out of a cow's teats (ya roll them finger tips, ya don't squeeze), how to coax the pig out of her pen for supper time, and the multitude of practical uses for manure.

Team President and CEO Derrick Hall hopes "some fresh country air will help Upton to play baseball good again."