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College Conference Realignment: A Rational Plan Unveiled

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So now we know the truth (as it stands for now). Nebraska bailed on the Big 12 and has gone to the Big 10 and Colorado is going to the Pac-10, leaving the Big 12 minus two and the Big 10 and Pac-10 each plus 1 (totaling plus 2) to fight over the scraps (Utah). Woohoo!!

The big winner, of course, is the Big 10 (fka the Big 12), who lost Nebraska and Colorado, but gained a huge new TV contract. Sucks for you, Nebraska and Colorado, but your ex-friends in Texas and Oklahoma will be sending you a nice fruit basket filled with hay seeds and armadillo turds.

In thinking through the realignment options, geographical proximity and tradition was tossed out the window in favor of television contracts that milk the most possible money out of these "student athletes." Certainly, academic considerations such as making sure each conference had a good law school or medical school weren't even an afterthought.

The editors at SB Nation Arizona have a better idea ...

Mascot-Based Conference Alignment

Here's the plan:

1) We start with the new Scary Animal Conference with the following schools:

Washington Huskies
Washington St Cougars
Michigan Wolverines
Penn St. Nittany Lions
Wisconsin Badgers
Connecticut Huskies
University of Cincinnati Bearcats
University of Pittsburgh Panthers
University of Florida Gators
University of Georgia Bulldogs
University of Arkansas Razorbacks
Mississippi State Bulldogs

2) Followed by the Wildcats and Tigers Conference because you can't have too many Wildcats and Tigers in one place:

Missouri Tigers
Auburn University Tigers
Louisiana State Tigers
Kansas St Wildcats
U of A Wildcats
Northwestern Wildcats
Villanova Wildcats
University of Kentucky Wildcats

3) And then we have the Cuties and Fuzzy Conference, which might not inspire fear in their opponents but will attract some hot girls and therefore plenty of young men will follow. They might be the smallest conference, but don't count them out:

Baylor Bears
California Golden Bears
Oregon Ducks
Oregon St Beavers
UCLA Bruins
Minnesota Golden Gophers
Providence Friars

4) The next conference in our list is the largest representing our true selves - the Human Being Conference - now updated with two divisions: Equine Related and Non-Equine Related (also known as On Your Own Two Feet Division):

Equine Related:

Oklahoma Sooners
Oklahoma State Cowboys
Texas A&M Aggies
Texas Tech Red Raider
USC Trojans
Rutgers Scarlet Knights
West Virginia Moutaineers
University of Tennessee Volunteers

Non-Equine Related:

Illinois Fighting Illini
Indiana Hoosiers
Michigan St Spartans
Purdue Boilermakers
Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Seton Hall Pirates
Vanderbilt University Commodores
University of Mississippi Rebels

5) Here's where it got a little bit complicated, to find the right grouping of like mascots. The Ka-kaw / Moo Conference:

Colorado Buffaloes
Kansas Jayhawks
Texas Long Horns
Iowa Hawkeyes
Lousiville Cardinals
Marguette Golden Eagles
South Flordia Bulls
University of South Carolina Gamecocks

6) And finally, rounding out the new conference alignment is the WTF Conference, because we have no idea what any of these schools are, so obviously they belong together. Note that the Cornhuskers were originally in the Human Being Conference, but were relegated due to their overly ambitious behavior (and because of all the human mascots, they evoked a WTF reaction):

Nebraska Cornhuskers
Iowa Cyclones
ASU Sun Devils
Standford Cardinal
Ohio State Buckeyes
Georgetown Hoyas
Syracuse Orange
DePaul Blue Demons
St John's University Red Storm
University of Alabama Crimson Tide