clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Christians And Jews Alike Admit Mistake, Strasburg Actually The Messiah

New, 8 comments

After two pretty decent starting performances by Washington Nationals rookie Stephen Strasburg, Christian and Jewish leaders have come together in admitting that their doctrines have been inaccurate to this point.

"As it turns out, Strasburg is actually the messiah," said Pope Benedict XVI. "It's a simple mistake, really. We were looking for the wrong miracles. We all expected walking on water, healing the sick and other similar sorts of shenanigans. But we should have been tipped off by the 100 mph fastball."

The Pope paused briefly to laugh to himself and shake his head before continuing, "Have you seen that thing? It's smokin'. Struck those fools out looking."

Religious folks around the world have begun congregating en mass to determine how Strasburg's ascension to demigod will affect their lives going forward.

Devout Christian Bob Jones said, "Jesus Christ was a fine fellow, but 14 strikeouts? Shit's insane."

Already, Strasburg's followers have begun theorizing about the extent of his abilities.

"I heard his change-up can cleanse the soul of all sin," said Rosa Cortez, attendee of a local Washington D.C.-area Catholic church. "They're also saying he's got a curve ball that heals all physical disease."

Perhaps Strasburg's impact since June 8th 2010 is best summarized by Rabbi Jacob Horowitz, "We are all better people for having witnessed Strasburg's killer pitching arsenal. It's unreal. Total Major League stuff. Christ. Oops, I mean ... Strasburg."


The Strasburg: Savin' Souls And Games