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Amar'e Stoudemire Tweets From South Beach ... O NOEZ!!!!

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Our best pal, Amar'e Stoudemire, has tweeted to give us the four-one-one on his whereabouts, which happens to be Miami, Florida -- home of the Heat, one of the teams with which STAT hopes to share a fiery, sexy Latin rendezvous before possibly returning to the dependable, loving, but ultimately non-sexual relationship with the Phoenix Suns.

Let's face it, Amar'e: the passion is gone. The Suns come home from a long day at work, exhausted, and then have to get right into the kitchen to cook dinner for you. After cleaning up your mess, they have to get the kids ready for bed. All the while, you're sitting back, feet up, watching your favorite telenovela and drinking a beer, and you think the Suns are going to be ready for a lovemaking session after slaving over a hot stove all day ... just because you want to? Just because you're ready for it? You have another thing coming, buster! A relationship is a two-way street and you need to put in the work, too.

And the Suns know you're fooling around behind their back with some Cuban hussy. How does she have so much time to get all fussed up and ready for a night out? Because she's not watching your kids, that's why. All the Suns do is love you, and what do they get in return? The smell of another woman's perfume on your collar. And you flaunt it! Shameful. See if the Suns take you back! Go on, tempt them! See what happens!

And now, free agency explained by LOLcats: