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USA Basketball Gets New Fancy Pants, Jerseys Too

Nike has presented Team USA with new lighter, more breathable uniforms.

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This was partially achieved by a perforated short (which requires some sort of spandex undershort, or else athletes will be showing a little leg) and mainly by the Hyperelite technology that Nike is calling a “fundamental shift in fabrication.”

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Amar’e Stoudemire’s agent Happy Walters immediately declared that “of course Amar’e will be willing to talk to new uniforms; all options are on the table.” Sadly, the uniforms only wanted to talk to LeBron.