PHOENIX: Owner of the Phoenix Suns, Robert Sarver, watches game action with his wife Penny, as they play the Los Angeles Lakers in the fourth quarter of Game Three of the Western Conference Finals during the NBA Playoffs at US Airways Center in Phoenix, Arizona. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Through illicit and highly fictional means, we bring you Robert Sarver's advice for each Phoenix Sun.
Suns fans, we have a huge exclusive today. Your humble correspondent happened to sneak into an air duct just above owner Robert Sarver's office at US Airways Center as president Lon Babby and he spoke to each player and coach last week.
Sarver offered words of inspiration to each team member while Babby nodded silently and I furiously jotted down notes from my perch above his lavishly appointed metal desk obviously rescued from the dumpster behind Cesar Chavez High School one quiet evening three years ago.
Oh, the anticipation! I could not have been more excited to rush these bon mots to you, providing behind-the-scenes insight to the Suns' business processes that no law-abiding citizen could provide.
Unfortunately, your humble correspondent has been noshing on the Gorilla's footlongs at the arena a bit too much lately and got stuck in the vent. After a week of subsisting on condensation and the strong desire to finally make my first vacation in two years worthwhile, I finally lost enough weight to slip out the way I came and rush these transcript highlights to you, dear reader.
I hope these insights directly from Bob Sarver's mouth were worth my extended quiet time in the belly of US Airways Center. While you enjoy these, I'll rush to the airport for my Egyptian vacation! Nothing's gonna stop me now!
Steve Nash: "You've given all we could ask for and more, Steve. We couldn't be happier. Yet we need more. Do you have a favorite kidney?"
Grant Hill: "I'm sorry, Grant. We promised Orlando we'd trade them the portrait of Earl Clark you keep in your basement as part of the deal and they're getting insistent. You can still use the 'Cocoon' pods in the hot tub if that helps."
Vince Carter: "You're renting, right?"
Goran Dragic: "We gave you money to hire a maid, but we hear you invested instead in a set of commemorative beer steins depicting Sasha Vujacic in women's clothing as well as a BB gun. You'll shoot your eye out, kid."
Jared Dudley: "People love you, Jared, but we might need them to love you a bit more over the next couple years. Have you considered growing a ponytail?"
Robin Lopez: "Any door you want. Go for it. Please."
Marcin Gortat: "So is there a Brook Gortat back in Poland?"
Mickael Pietrus: "No no. We told Alvin you're still on the team. Yes, we showed him proof. You're still sneaking to the scorer's table, right?"
Channing Frye: "The lane isn't actually hot lava, Channing. Robin's just pulling your leg."
Josh Childress: "Did you hear the story about Gil Meche?"
Hakim Warrick: "Did you hear what we said to Josh Childress?"
Gani Lawal: "Of course you can have a hug, man. Any time. After all, those don't count against the luxury tax."
Garret Siler: "Big guy. Hey there! Big guy. Yeah. Big guy. So. Nice seein' ya! Big guy."