NFL Power Rankings, Week 5: Green Bay Tops List Of Mediocre Poop

One would have hoped that another week of NFL action would have clarified things a bit. Unfortunately, we are still in lockout hangover and teams continue to be really bad unless they are called the Green Bay Packers. And the Green Bay Packers still rank 32nd in passing yards allowed (and 2nd in rushing yards allowed). That makes our NFL Week 5 power rankings really easy start. From there we quickly get buried in a sea of mediocrity.

Here's our 2011 NFL Week 5 Power Rankings. If you don't like them, feel free to start your own power ranking blog and we promise link to it*.

1. Green Bay Packers (4-0): So, it turns out the Green Bay Packers are really, really, (really), very good at football. Unfortunately for them, no one else in the NFL is even in their league. Looking at the schedule (nah, we're not going to actually both to look) they very well could go undefeated this season. #JinxAlert

2. New Orleans Saints (3-1): The Saints only loss came against the BEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL EVER! They are pretty good too. Would they beat the Patriots in a game? Too bad we can't flex the schedule and find out. Who dat, Hoodie!

3. New England Patriots (3-1): The Pats still lost to the Bills who lost to the Bengals which means they are better than the Ravens who beat the Steelers (who lost to the Texans), but lost to the Titans who beat the...well no one except the Ravens. Power ranking logic FTW. 

4. Baltimore Ravens (3-1): We said last week we expected the Ravens to climb in our power rankings. They climbed in our power rankings. See how smart we are?

5. Detroit Lions (4-0): Boy the Lions were impressive coming back and beating the Cowboys. The entire non-American football fans thank you. (Get it? America's team. All America roots for Dallas, ergo only non-Americans don't root for Dallas...(if you have to explain the joke...)) And what's up with falling behind early anyway?

6. San Diego Chargers (3-1): What is up with Philip Rivers? He just doesn't seem to be in any kind of flow this season. (Get it? Rivers. Flow. Whatever.)

7. Buffalo Bills (3-1): Well, the party had to end at some point, why not in Cincinnati. Everyone knows the Bengals have the party market cornered in the Queen City. (Did you know how many cities are named the Queen City? 26, including...wait for it...Buffalo, NY!)

8. Houston Texans (3-1): I've heard the Texans are for real now because they beat the Steelers. Or maybe the Steelers just aren't for real. How do you feel, are they for real?

Instead of grouping our rankings into arbitrary, neat numbers like the Top 10, we are setting the line between the top teams and the mediocre teams right here at the Top 8.

9. New York Giants (3-1): The Giants were a blown calls away from getting beat by the Cardinals and yet here they are above the Steelers and Redskins who also were lucky to beat the Cardinals and beat the Giants but lost to the Cowboys who lost to the Bills so...oh, whatever. 

10. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2): Are the Steelers really a .500 football team? Obviously, we don't think they are. I mean they are because they are 2-2, but we think they won't be. We'll see what they do next week against Tennessee (who beat the Ravens, who beat the Steelers).


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11. Washington Redskins (3-1): An escape with your life, one-point win over Arizona and an unimpressive 17-10 win over the Rams. Show me something, Skins. 

12. Tennessee Titans (3-1): We keep waiting for inevitable Matt Hasselbeck collapse so you are handicapping that into their power ranking. Otherwise, they could be as high as 11th.

13. New York Jets (2-2): The Jets get a lot of credit for their history and for playing in New York. We don't know why it happens but it does. That's our excuse for putting them above a couple of teams that are probably better. Plus, feet!

14. San Francisco 49ers (3-1): It is pretty hard to believe the 49ers are a 3-1 team. It just goes to show you how fickle (and bad) the NFL season is this year.

15. Atlanta Falcons (2-2): Last week we said we expected the Ravens to move up, and they did. Same applies to the Falcons. Then again, they did almost get beat by Tavaris Jackson. Who knows.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1): It was really cool when Josh Freeman was a hot young QB in the league. Now, he's just a young QB in the league. 

17. Dallas Cowboys (2-2): Tony Romo has better ribs than Tony Roma's (bet that joke has never been used before!)

18. Chicago Bears (2-2): Da Bears. It sucks to say, but they are just another team in a sea of teams. The world is a better place when they are special. 

19. Oakland Raiders (2-2): The Raiders are special but not in anything good or worth mentioning. 

20. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3): Turns out, you can't just go out and put all the best players on your team and expect to win your conference and make it to the championship game. Right, Miami Heat?

21. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2): These guys might actually not suck.

And here's the dividing line between mediocrity and suckage.

22. Cleveland Browns (2-2): These guys might actually suck.

23. Arizona Cardinals (1-3): We refuse to believe the Cardinals are really this bad. Then again, we're delusional...still. (Three losses by a total of eight points.)

24. Carolina Panthers (1-3): Cam Newton, baby! Should be interesting to see what he can do next week against the Saints. 

25. Seattle Seahawks (1-3): Would you believe that Tavaris Jackson almost beat the Falcons? True enough story to put them this high in the rankings. 

26. Denver Broncos (1-3): John Elway is not walking through that door...unless he does and announces Tim Tebow is starting!

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3): Can't they just move to LA already?

28. Miami Dolphins (0-4): Such tough times for such a proud organization. Dan Marino is rolling over in his grave.

29. Indianapolis Colts (0-4): Peyton, o Petyon, where forth art thou o Peyton.

30. St. Louis Rams (0-4): What happened to this team? 

31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3): The same thing that happened to this team.

32. Minnesota Vikings (0-4): The answer for this team is clear, McNabb needs to retire and hand the ball to the rookie. Ponder that.

P.S. If you don't like these power rankings, check back next week for new ones. And try not to take it too seriously, they are just power rankings after all, not actual standings. 

Or, if you insist, contact us via Twitter @SBNArizona or on Facebook

 

*not really

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