Week 5 of Dancing with the Stars: where, from the dregs of the bargain idea bin, they pulled out "TV Theme Week" and made the celebrities trot around to old television theme songs.
Kurt and Anna drew the "Bewitched" theme, which immediately put them at a disadvantage, because in Russia there weren't many actual televisions prior to Gorbachev's glasnost, resulting in a Grand Canyon of a cultural divide for Anna. After last week's disappointing performance, Kurt did take heart from his football experiences, explaining to Anna his inspiring true story of stocking groceries to Super Bowl winner, to which Anna pulled out her own Russian reference with Belka and Stelka, which Kurt countered with Walter Payton, leading to a complete cultural communication breakdown.
Luckily, our favorite dancing
Communist Russian is a quick learner and threw together a sparkling quick step. Kurt continued to improve, putting last week's unfortunate rumba in the rear-view mirror. He was looser and goofier. Judge Carrie called him inhabited by the spirit of Gene Kelley, Len was entranced, Bruno waved his arms around shouting vaguely suggestive compliments. They scored eights across the board, for a new personal best of 24/30.
See how the rest did after the jump ...
- Brandi and Max. In a hilarious move, the producers made this volatile couple dance the quick step to the "Friends" theme. Max's saucy polka-dot bow tie shouted "Irreverent! Fun!" I didn't buy, but the judges did, awarding them 27/30.
- Mrs. Brady sailed through her tango to the theme from "Brady Bunch". Florence also sailed through a ridiculous product placement and refused to confirm or deny any kind of relationship with the oldest Brady boy ... she's one hot tamale, that Mrs. Brady. Yet again, the judges appeared to watch a different dance than I did, awarding them 21/30.
- Audrina danced the rumba, taking Brandi's sheet/hot pants ensemble from last week and raising it a pink sparkly bikini with even less sheet. Shocking. After Tony told her a rumba is like making love on the dance floor, Audrina decided to eat a onion. Think it was convoluted product placement for the American Onion Farmers. A meh 23/30.
- Rick Fox, in an attempt to relive past glory and because the producers made him, took partner Cheryl to a Lakers practice. Sweaty Kobe touted Rick's work ethic while glaring at Sasha Vujacic and a giant robot Phil Jackson encouraged him to beat Kurt Warner. That's right, Phil hates Kurt. Guess what, Phil? You are a giant robot that sits on a giant throne. Rick then turned into a cop at Sparkletown and proceeded to dance a steamy rumba that caused judge Carrie to hyperventilate. 24/30.
- Kyle was Bosley to Lacey's Farrah Fawcett in a foxtrot that had disco interludes. Kyle did sport a mangy-looking mustache, meaning Rick's attempt last week is now officially only the second worst facial hair of the season. Judges hated it, 20/30
- Bristol phoned it in this week, appearing to be overwhelmed by the jive. Desperate times call for desperate measures -- Mark had them come out in gorilla suits for the beginning of the number. It really wasn't enough to save it. 18/30.
- Jennifer Grey and Derrick had a bit of a trouble in paradise, but still managed to be fantastic. Give her the mirror ball trophy now. Got robbed by the judges, only getting a 25/30.