GLENDALE, AZ - OCTOBER 10: Former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner walks on the field prior to the NFL game against the New Orleans Saints at the University of Phoenix Stadium on October 10, 2010 in Glendale, Arizona. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

Dancing With The Stars And Kurt Warner Say Adieu, No More Sequins For You

So, ballroom dancing on a silly reality show? Yes, because it's Kurt Warner. It's a stretch, but let's just go with it, okay?

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Kurt Warner, Dancing With The Stars Part Ways

It was pretty easy to see coming. Kurt Warner and Dancing With The Stars were destined to break up. They couldn't keep going out in the face of producer pressure -- you know, that whole kick someone off every week thing. But Kurt did make a valiant effort to get to the final five, sticking with Brandy, Jennifer Grey, Kyle and Bristol Palin ... wait, Bristol's still on the show? What the?

Dear Fans of Mama Grizzly and Real America, you are just embarrassing Bristol now. Let her go back to Alaska on her snow machine, spend time with her little boy and vote against her ex-fiance in the Wasilla mayoral race.

This week, the results show featured an auto-tuned Taio Cruise leading a Zumba class, some nine-year old dancers that might have been robots, John Legend and The Roots, with Questlove's hair (deservedly) getting a spotlight all to itself. Kenny Mayne headed up two DanceCenter segments, with a false-eyelash-wearing Jerry Rice as a sidekick and head judge Len Goodman playing the straight man. It included big hands jokes, sequins, tutus and awkward silences.

Although the mirror ball goes dark for Kurt Warner, the judges lauded him as a true sportsman with impeccable manners and a real gentleman, but not nearly enough dance skills. Kurt said he's learned that life is about building relationships not just winning and, to the chants of "MVP," he and Anna danced their last dance.

In a post-dance appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel show, he admits he still watches the Cardinals and feels for the team. But doesn't regret leaving football and won't be coming back. And with that final nail in the coffin of Cardinals fans dreams, Kurt heads back to Brenda with some dance moves and a much higher tolerance for sequined clothing.

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DWTS Week 7: The Results Are In, Kurt To Dance Around For Another Week

On election night, America looked at Kurt, then at Rick Fox, then back at Kurt and decided the Lakers suck. Take that, L.A. Rick, take your giant suave teeth and go home. The good sadly realistic news is that Kurt continues to star on a bloated reality show while Cardinals fans fall deeper into the pit of quarterback despair (whisper that last part).

These results shows are a special form of torture; this week they dug up Rod Stewart with his signature hair style still intact, trotted out Taylor Swift and attempted to force culture down our prime-time throats with the cast of Mary Poppins. In honor of DWTS 200th show, Kenny Mayne won Best Worst dancer, barely beating out the car-wreck that was/is Kate Gosselin. Unsurprisingly, Kate and her mullet were also up for Most Dramatic Moment, only to be beaten out by a fainting Marie Osmond.

There may be a bit of trouble in paradise for Kurt and Anna -- a bit of bickering backstage, post-performance. Judge Len pointed out that bent knees are not flexed knees; Kurt was all "Anna, you have to tell me these things." Anna replied with an eye roll. Kurt broke down into tears, stone-cold Anna threw a boiled potato at him and instructed him to stop crying like a baby. Kurt pulled himself up by the bootstraps and tried to tell her his story of stocking shelves in a grocery store, to which Anna was "What is this grocery store thing? We stood in line for a crust of moldy bread, which the wolves stole from us on the way home." Okay, that might be made up, but there was some bickering and Anna was having none of it.

Next week, the contestants practice a style of dance and then the night of the show they pull the song they are dancing to out of a hat. This sounds like a complete disaster; I'll be there.

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DWTS Week 6: Rock n' Roll Week Tough On Kurt, But Makes The Cut (Barely)

Somehow, due to Kurt's devoted fan base, he and Anna made the cut is week despite being lowest on the leader board. Anna's shock at being the first couple safe was evident, although Kurt seemed completely sure of himself. Did he mention he's been an underdog before? No? Well, he has America, and you can't put Baby Kurt back in Hyvee stocking groceries. In a cruel twist of fate, America's apathy for Audrina and Tony had them packing their glittery bags for home.

The rest of the results show was totally rock and roll, if rock and roll were choreographed by cheesy high school show choir instructors. An appearance by Heart, a plastic rebuilt lip-synching Kylie Minogue, and a replay of Bristol Palin's tango. Obviously, you missed nothing by watching the Sun's game.

Next week, there are guest judges for the DWTS's 200th show. And Taylor Swift. Former champs Apolo Ohno and Kristi Yamaguchi make an appearance, putting to rest the questions of what winter Olympians do when retired.

Bollywood + Transformers + Cowboy costume = much better than anything I saw on DWTS this week. Bad fire-breathing dinosaur.


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DWTS Week 5: Kurt And Anna Bewitch Judges, Are So Very Safe

On television theme week, Kurt and Anna foxtrotted to safety. Sadly, Mrs. Brady was sent home. We will miss you Florence, but not you, Corky. Florence looked like she would cut someone when Bristol Palin was declared safe and she was on the chopping block. And frankly, I was of the same mindset.

As for the rest of the show, there were fake commercials featuring David Hasselhoff, a Shakira appearance, and some young hack attempting to sing "Georgia On My Mind." That song is for Ray Charles and Ray Charles only, so please stop ruining things and, BTW, get off my lawn.

New week should be good -- it's rock and roll week, so plan on one Elvis, one Jerry Lee Lewis and maybe a Joan Jett. Also, our intrepid stars have two dances to learn. Considering how Bristol's jive turned out this week, I absolutely can't wait until she attempts to learn two dances. Can you say car wreck? Fingers crossed.

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DWTS Week 4: Where We Almost Lose Kurt, But The Situation Saves The Day

Oh boy, Kurt and Anna were down with the dregs this week -- hanging out with Bristol and The Stiuation. Not where you want to be in the results show. Luckily, The Situation and his dancing pecs were sent home.

It’s up to Kurt to redeem himself next week, in which “Television Shows” are the theme, which just sounds like blatant cross-marketing. I want someone to get DWTS as their theme, then they’ll just parody themselves, parodying themselves. How meta.

As for the rest of the results show, the highlight was Diane Sawyer interrupting the Goo Goo Dolls set with news the first miner from Chile had been rescued. Sadly, it cut back in time for half of the song. DWTS made an attempt at hipness with a performance by Florence and The Machine, but alas, the interpretive dancers on go-go stages made it fail. Sorry.

Till next week!

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DWTS Week 3: Where Kurt And Anna Foxtrot To Safety

Hooray! Kurt dances to safety in week 3, this is good because a world where The Situation and Bristol Palin are still dancing while Kurt is sent home is a world I don't want to be in. And in more good news, Kurt and Anna were the second couple safe, so I was free to not watch the rest of the show, except then this recap would be over, so I persevered. Those 50 minutes are lost forever.

First off, they make the dancers get back into those make-up and sweat soaked clothes a second night. That's disgusting and possibly unsanitary. Kurt dropped some coach speak in the post-dance interview, "we're improving, getting better every week, making strides...right where we want to be". So, pretty much opposite of where the Cardinals are. Also, it appeared Kurt may or may not have had some shiny pink lip gloss on. The tale of the HD tape says may.

The rest of the show as a blur of Danny Osmond cameos, Michael Bolton reappearance (missed him? don't worry you can catch him in Altoona, IA tonight!), A Neo performance, Brook Burke verbally feeling up the underage Disney kid and when that didn't work turning to her usual victim, Rick Fox. There was a super tough violin/guitar battle between two professional dancers, with mandatory leather vest with no shirt underneath.

Ciao! Until next week peeps.

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DWTS Week 2: Kurt Warner Is Safe On Strength Of His Jive

Don’t you worry -- Kurt is safe to wear cheaply-made dance clothes accessorized with sequins for another week. Whew.

Kurt Warner and his partner Anna Trebunskaya made the cut in week two. I guess their Top Gun-esque jive was enough to convince America they deserved to come back.

And since I’m positive none of you actually watched the results show, because it’s a complete waste of time it’s about an hour too long, here’s the fast-forward recap:

Brandy plays mind games with her partner Max, making him remember the Erin Andrews days fondly. Then tiny fireplug Janel Monet comes out and sings wearing great black and white tuxedo shoes.

They drag Sarah Palin into the thing. (Side note: Bristol’s more virtuous outfit was just plain ugly; it’s like the costume department was mocking her. Plus, it had real bike shorts underneath it, the same bike shorts you see middle-aged men sport on Saturday morning at Starbucks after their 30-mile ride.)

Then Seal sang. There was a instrumental interlude with dancers running around, more dramatic music and trotting celebrity dancers out to be humiliated. The Situation convinces you he’s exactly as smart as you suspected. Oh, and America hates you Michael Bolton, please pack your doghouse up and go home.

The End.

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Kurt Warner Charms, Stays To Dance Another Week

Yet again the hopes of Cardinals fans fell upon Kurt Warner, and yet again he delivered. Make you nostalgic for when he actually played football? Us, too. But instead, Kurt was dancing on a silly television show rather than leading the Cards on the gridiron.

Warner made it through Week 1, scoring a win for beleaguered, trying-not-to-panic Cards fans everywhere. Plowing through the bloated results show, which featured Santana playing guitar with Chris Daughtry and India.Arie while accompanied by scantily-clad professional dancers who made a mockery of the contestants' pathetic attempts at dancing the previous night. Santana even admitted Kurt was his favorite, "He's got the rhythm and he's got the flow." Right on.

In the midst of all that drivel, there is one shot of Warner laying a perfectly placed pass in David Hasselhoff's arms. Why do you tease us, Kurt? Derek Anderson attempted that same pass and ran The Hoss directly into the catering truck, causing his mostly-man-made-material face to shatter into tiny shards.

After 55 minutes of dramatic music, flashing lights and inopportune commercial breaks, we find out Kurt is safe and David Hasselhoff is going home. Germany and Dirk Nowitzki's bitter tears flow.

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