Be Like Brett: My Short-lived Retirement

You can be like Brett, too. Just go ahead and retire. Then un-retire. It's fun. Try it; I did.

You may not have noticed - what with the Cardinals training camp bulletins, the local swap mart having a bigger crowd than the Diamondbacks on Wednesday night and of course the fact that it's Shark Week on the Discovery channel - but I retired on Tuesday. 

After all these years in broadcasting, and of course the two whole months I've spent writing here, I just thought it was time to call it quits. No fanfare, no press release ... not even a single tweet to all my peeps. (I have 197, by the way and I'm giving away some Chucky Cheese tokens for the person who becomes my 200th follower (@KRay1)!)

However, I realized this morning that this move is perhaps not in my best interest. 

First, Seth Pollack, our fine Sports Editor, told me I couldn't retire because I owed them a story and he'd banish me to the Diamondbacks beat if I didn't keep my end of the agreement.

Secondly, I have a Mercury game tonight I have to do because I didn't want to leave the Mercury hanging and I love doing the Mercury games. 

And finally, and most importantly, I looked at my bank account and realized I didn't have 39 million dollars in the bank and my wife was heading to the grocery store. 

So, with even less fanfare than my retirement ... I unretired, just like that. My kids barely noticed the difference based on their comments when I informed them of my move. Boy, are they gonna have fun doing yard work this weekend! There were no reporters sitting outside my house. When I went to the club today to work out, nobody even mentioned it. I won't even share with you what my wife said about it.

You're asking yourself, why would Kevin retire? He didn't hit the lottery. Didn't win big in Vegas. There was no big inheritance, right? You'd be correct on all fronts. No, I just wanted to see what it felt like for a couple of days.

I wanted to be like Brett, is what it comes down to. 

I wanted to see if there was some kind of euphoric rush that ran through my body when I made the announcement (my six-year-old was in attendance, by the way). I was hoping to have some sense of fulfillment for what I'd accomplished. I wanted to be able to book tee times for the next three weeks. I'm here to report that none of the above occurred.

Seriously, because we've watched Brett Favre retire and unretire like six times in the last three years, it got me to thinking that there's got to be a reason for this.

Is it like some drug when you say the word Retire?

Are you mentally transported to Pandora where you can ride flying dragons and plug your hair into the plants and trees to get an energy boost instead of drinking a Verve?! I had to know. The only way I could experience what I thought Brett must experience was to actually retire. You know, to say the word and really try and do this retirement thing.

I'm here to tell you it's not all it's cracked up to be. True, my retirement lasted about 36 hours - which, for the record, was about the same as Favre's second and third retirements - but I can tell you that it's way overrated.

I was able to get caught up on Entourage and I caught like six straight hours of Shark Week. Heck, I even went up the local high school and offered to throw some passes to the football team practicing (they told me practice was closed to the general public), but other than that, I can honestly say it wasn't all that fulfilling.

Then it hit me, like the Mike Tyson punch to Zac Galkfanishkuuswksk's (the dude in Hangover) face.

It's not the retirement that's the rush for Brett! It's the pursuit of the media outlets. The reporters hanging onto the bumper of your big diesel truck with microphone in hand just hoping to get a soundbite or quote about "your plans."

"Brett, Brett ... what are your plans? Are you retiring? Are you going to play?"

To which Brett replies, "Well, I'm gonna throw some passes to these kids, then I gotta unload this hay from my truck, then I'll probably go fish'n later."

To which the reporter says, "But are you going to play football this season?"

And Brett responds with, "If I'm healthy, I'll play. If I'm not, I won't." 

"So are you healthy?" says the reporter clinging to the bumper of the giant truck. And as Brett pulls away, he mumbles something that's barely audible above the engine noise that can't quite be understood. Did he say he is healthy or isn't healthy?

The answer remains a mystery, but I think we've all gotten a clearer picture about what makes Brett Favre tick. Sure he loves the game. The TD passes and roar of the crowd not to mention the 17 million is better than anything Pandora has to offer.

Yet above all that, Brett seems to love the drama and headline making he creates with this annual retirement saga. I can tell you firsthand that the retirement thing isn't all it's built up to be. However, I do recommend giving it a whirl if you feel like it.

March into your boss's office this afternoon and tell him you're retiring, tell the wife and kids you're heading to the lake to do a little fishing or book a couple of rounds of golf. Just be forewarned that the response you get may not be what you expect or want, but at least for one day you can say I wanna be like Brett.

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