Taylor Griffin Demands Trade, Wants Own ‘Big Three’

Phoenix Suns forward Taylor Griffin attended a closed-door meeting with owner Robert Sarver and newly-appointed President of Basketball Operations Lon Babby earlier this morning. Multiple sources say Griffin is growing unhappy in Phoenix and would like to be moved to another team, with the Atlanta Hawks at the top of his list.

Griffin, though noticeably late to the party, is intrigued by LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh teaming up in Miami and Chris Paul, Amar'e Stoudemire, and Carmelo Anthony potentially teaming up in New York. Sources say his "big three" targets on the Hawks are elderly point guard Mike Bibby and Georgian love machine Zaza Pachulia.

Sarver and Babby, to Griffin's surprise, were very amicable to the move.

"Taylor's still on the team? Holy Jesus. I hope he didn't hear what I said about his hair at the last team breakfast," Sarver said. "I mean, you gotta admit... it's weird. He's like 15 or something, and balder than I am."

Babby echoed Sarver's nonchalance regarding the subject. "Yeah, we'll trade him. Sure, why not? If Atlanta has some snack cakes and a couple inflated basketballs, we're in. Maybe a top-59 protected second-round pick, too. That seems fair. Win-win. That's what us front office guys strive for in any trade."

Griffin was reluctant to discuss the meeting, given the hefty fine that comes with making a public trade demand. But ultimately, he couldn't help himself.

"Hells yeah, I want outta here. My ass is tired of that bench. I've got killer bed sores from riding that pine. ‘sides... me, Bibz and Zazaza Pachuliawesome'll kill this league. Watch out, thugs. We comin' for ya. Dunks up in all ya'll's faces all night long."

While the rest of the league awaits the all-night dunking, Griffin said he plans to fly out to Atlanta and go to the grocery store with Hawks General Manager Rick Sund. They hope to buy a modest assortment of packaged snack cakes to facilitate the trade. 

WARNING: THIS STORY WAS COMPLETE MAKE-BELIEVE.