Anyone can toss down a few in defiance of medical recommendations, societal warnings, and financial considerations in the service of a drinking game centered around a televised event. Hell, Shark Week is just an excuse to make one "drunk tank/shark tank" joke after another.
However, in light of recent events in Arizona and the desire for many to boycott the 2011 edition of the MLB All-Star Game & Corporate Schmoozefest in Phoenix, you should take this opportunity to practice your boycotting skills before the big event.
After all, you don't want to get hip-deep in the middle of shunning a corporation and then realize you've been consuming a product from their Swedish partnership via a Chinese host company through a trade corporation that exists solely to staple "Made in the USA" on it. Such a faux pas!
Therefore, in lieu of suggesting rules to encourage excessive alcohol consumption, here are cues for you to begin boycotting while watching tonight's 2010 MLB All-Star Game in Anaheim:
- As a warmup, start by boycotting Anaheim. It should be a good stretching exercise without much effort; Angels owner Arte Moreno has found it rather easy to avoid Anaheim.
(Note: it's okay if you want to take the family to Disneyland; just call it "Disneyland of the Greater Los Angeles Area".)
- As soon as someone reminds you that "this time it counts", boycott math.
- If someone mentions MLB's ludicrous "American Idol"-esque Final Vote regarding Joey Votto or anyone else, boycott the final episode of "Seinfeld" in syndication. They're both belabored, unnecessary, poorly executed and cause you to pity multimillionaires briefly.
- During any arguments about who is a "true" All-Star, boycott your kid's third-grade Field Day where everyone gets ribbons and pats on the back. There are so many All-Stars playing now that it's entirely possible Omar Infante could be one. (Hahahahaha. No, just kidding.)
- Similarly, if anyone complains about snubs, boycott the band .38 Special. They know why.
- If Fausto Carmona enters the game, boycott him until he signs with the Marlins, along with Albert Pujols and Roy Halladay.
- If anyone then suggests Stephen Strasburg isn't a snub because he didn't play enough this season, boycott all players except Evan Meek. Isn't he dreamy? I'm so glad I got to see him play instead of Stephen Strasburg.
- When the game goes over four hours, boycott calling anyone on the East coast Wednesday morning.
- You're in Arizona in summer, you should be boycotting ties anyway.
- If you hear that George Steinbrenner was both colorful *and* passionate about winning, boycott history.
- If you hear that the game is in 3-D tonight, boycott the Fifth Dimension. That's just showing off.
- If a player re-enters the game, boycott the rest of the game until someone taps the keg after the rec league game you must have accidentally tuned into.
- And, finally, if you need to be told to boycott Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, you probably weren't up for boycotting tonight anyway. Still, you might want to press the SAP button on your remote and enjoy the Spanish language broadcast tonight; who knows if that will be allowed next summer?